Am I Fit For Motherhood

I watch too many cartoons, because I think my toddler is an evil genius who is out to get me. I must be living in some cartoon reality where I get the shit end of the stick and little wonder sprout has a unlimited credit limit with ACME.

Mothers aren't suppossed to feel that way and the screaming in my head is bound to leak out someway. It's either let it out or somehow be eaten alive. The second seed hasn't even come out yet and I already have post partum depression. Why wasn't I on birth control. Why am I still even having sex with my fertile husband.

Shaking my head doesn't provide answers. Shaking the kid, the fetus or the husband won't get me answers either. Besides, I don't really want to hurt anyone. But how does a person relieve frustration? Is there a certain amount of frustration in the world that doesn't dissolve, just gets passed on?

I don't want anti depressants, i just want to actually feel better. really feel better...

Nothing to Say

So the whole point of a blog is because you have something to say, and alas, I have alot to say and my greatest ?fear/hope? is that it amounts to nothing. I teach in a middle school, so I am pretty sure that I spend almost 85% of my work day speaking to deaf ears. Then I have a toddler, so there goes the rest of my chances of having anything I say be valued. The voices, not the schizo kind, the kind that just exist inside your head but you don't have a real word to call it, the voices talk to me and I want to ignore them, again a rack of nothing. I actually majored in writing and married a writer, and still nothing.

I talk to the fetus, I am pregnant. The fetus listens, I can tell and when I talk to the fetus I actually run out of things to say. Realization. Gluten for punishment, must be, only want to talk to those who don't want to hear it, those that crave it, I punish with my silence. I guess I believe the worst. There is nothing of value here in these words. I must get new words before I can take them seriously....